Why go to church?

Posted on Wednesday, March 4th, 2015 at 11:43 am by Diamond Jim


Why Go To Church

One Sunday morning, a mother  went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for  church, to which he replied, I'm not going."

Why not?" she  asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said.

"(1) they don't like  me, and 

 (2) I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you  two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:

(1) You're 59 years old,  and

(2) you're the pastor!"


The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a  Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old  friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really  delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I  know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a  wonderful food should be forbidden!  You don't know what you're missing.  You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham.  Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try  it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your  wedding."


The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local  country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped  her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked  politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't  want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do  you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired."No," he  said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly."Do you  know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

​ ​"Good," he  answered.


Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her  class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the  class. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My  name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."

The  second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary.  I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front  of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.  I am Methodist, and this is a  casserole."


The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a  guru sat discussing the best positions  for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is  definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the  minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched  to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective  prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could  contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted.  "The best  prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone  pole."


The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill  and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal  Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be  burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill  reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty  good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on  Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the  one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me,"  says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"  The  one-dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the  Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church."

The twenty-dollar bill  interrupts, "What's a church?"


Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked  their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy  replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure  about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom,  'Today is just as good as any to  have the old goat for dinner.' "